By Hylton Gudmanz
You and I probably upgrade our software regularly and our phones every couple of years. Yet we may be unaware of how our old “software”, such as beliefs about love, may limit our relationship with God and others.
I remember one warm Summer’s day when my wife, Kate, remarked at the dinner table, “This reminds me of Durban”. “For sure,” I replied, clearly understanding what she was saying. It took only a few minutes, however, to uncover my mistake. I asked for some salt and noted how “sticky” it was. “Exactly, that’s what I meant!” Kate blurted out. I had been thinking “Durban temperatures”, while all along she was thinking about salt sticking! I was blissfully unaware that we were talking past each other. Real empathy and humility asks questions and listens intently, curious to know how the other person thinks, and to learn. I did none of the above in that situation and it thankfully was not a deal-breaker. Other conversations can be, however, where we insist on our rights – or our view of what’s right, rather. And what about getting to know our Maker? We can “inquire of the Lord” (1 Sam. 30:8) and better understand His character and ways each day.
Pause: Please take a moment to look at your nose. Close your right eye and notice the blurred outline of your nose in your vision. The same should be true if you close the left eye (or you really need to see an optometrist). The nose is in our field of vision all day long. Yet it’s a distraction, so we block it out and our brain fills in the gap for our, automatically. I wonder what else we block out? We don’t see all that we could. Dogs hear frequencies that we miss. We filter, to be able to focus, which is good. But our filters are calibrated to our expectations, experience and values and there is always a greater context than our field of view.
Dr. John Gottman (marriage researcher) speaks about the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in our relationships – which need to be avoided for relationships to survive. The first two are Criticism (slamming the character, behaviour and potential of another person) and Contempt (loathing; disrespect, despising the other). These erode the fabric of a relationship, and the latter is the greatest predictor of divorce, according to Gottman. The next two seem to be responses to the first two: Defensiveness (blaming others and circumstances) and Stonewalling (avoiding or blocking out interaction the other person). If we watch romantic comedies, it’s normal to see one or more of these, often creating humour (sarcasm, for instance) in the situation. Many of us have also grown up with romantic love as the ideal; in other words, prioritising feelings of “being in love” over loving as an action born out of commitment. Commitment is a “Mufasa” word – brr – to the world at large. We are conditioned from young, these days, to know that we have rights – and we do – but little is said about the responsibility that comes with those rights, and how humility and empathy drive connection, where entitlement and assumption drives disconnection.
If romantic love will not sustain our love for each other, what will? A love upgrade straight from heaven, where God, who is Love, reigns. Romans 13:13 (NLT) tells us that “three things will last forever – faith, hope and love – and the greatest of these is love.” 1 John 4 takes it further, reminding us that “this is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins…No-one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us.” When we demonstrate sacrificial love, God is glorified. That kind of love “never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance (1 Cor 13:7 NLT)”.
It is the Holy Spirit who produces this kind of fruit in our lives: “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” As we spend time with Him, we become like Him, picking up His character, and the Spirit empowers our decisions, making us unlikely to live in contempt, criticism, or compulsive sin. He saved from a meaningless, depraved life that excluded His abundant life, and He offers us freedom, relationship, peace and joy that is not dependent on circumstances.
Dr. Barbara Fredrickson is best known for her “Broaden and Build” theory. She has found that when we experience positive feelings—love, joy, awe, gratitude—we broaden our awareness of our surroundings – literally seeing more than we otherwise would have. So, the fruit of the Spirit lets us see more and experience more! Love (and the other fruit of the Spirit) also help us to build resilience, resourcefulness, and connection. Since love always involves another person, it stimulates “shared positivity” and is even being shown to affect our brains and bodies at a cellular level. Frederickson has concluded that “we were born to love” and “our minds and bodies are designed to enhance our chances of experiencing love”.
Wow! Love Himself has made us to enjoy the best of life, and we will experience new heights of joy when we allow the Spirit of God to fill us daily (Eph. 5:18), upgrading ourselves means that we can see more, be more and do more that’s of eternal value.